In My Surveying

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” –Hebrews 12:2-3

 

Cleaning out the backyard last week I had such a perspective shift.  I’ve been so annoyed by the previous owners of this house.  This vast space in the back of the house, which clearly at some point was a beautiful oasis.  But now, interesting trees which once lined the perimeter and blocked the beating Texas sun are overgrown. In the words of my father-in-law ….they are ”gnarly”. 

Dirt stands in the place of lush grass.  Trees that should be thriving are dead. And the bless-ed mosquitoes….oh, the mosquitoes!

For the past few months I have peered out my living room window….just disgusted not even wanting to go out there.  Keep the trees or get rid of them? Plant the grass now or wait?  Redo the flower beds or rip them all out? Geez….I can’t seem to stop those trivial thoughts. And if I hear Asher say one more time, “It’s dirty out there!”….I might lose it!

Anyway my point is that I don’t want to take a step into that space simply because it isn’t ALL THAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.

See for the last year, we lived in a townhouse and no lie the backyard was all but 10x10 and all I wanted was a big backyard. In those moments, it didn’t matter what the next yard looked like….I just wanted trees and a space for my kids to play.

Well, that is what my backyard is….

There are trees.

It is a space for my kids to play. 

Perspective. 

Last week I took a step into that space that has disgusted me for several months.  I wanted to close my eyes and run back inside but with each step it began to look different.  The view from the living room did not have a monopoly on this backyard.

Perspective.

 And for the first time, thankfulness welled up inside me.  It was all I had asked for, I just couldn’t see it because I was too stubborn to change the view. NOW, I could begin to see all that it could and all that it will be…..one day.

Now THIS mountain stands tall in front of me. 

Treacherous yet beautiful.

Daunting yet inspiring.

 

Remembering the old hymn, “When I SURVEY the Wondrous Cross”…..

Did ever such love and sorrow meet?

Or thorns compose, so rich a crown?

Survey the cross? Looking carefully and thoroughly as to appraise or perhaps it is a general view, examination, or description…..

Ever heard of a heliotrope? The heliotrope is an instrument (no longer used) that uses a mirror to reflect sunlight over great distances to mark the positions of participants in a land survey.

Taken from the Greek: Helio meaning “sun” and Trope meaning “turn”.

According to Wikipedia, it is a fitting name for an instrument which can be turned to reflect the sun toward a given point.

 

It is a fitting name for an instrument which can be turned to reflect the sun toward a given point.

 

I’m standing at the foot of THIS mountain, THIS brain cancer, THIS year of chemotherapy and all that means for our family and I’m in survey mode.  My eyes are widened with FEAR and yet my heart is quickened by HOPE.  Am I an instrument which can be turned to reflect the sun toward a given point?

Can my perspective be shifted with just one step? If I turn my gaze could the reality that my life could be met with such love and sorrow…at the same time….. become my freedom?  Freedom that allows me to not just begrudgingly hike up the mountain alone but to be carried by grace.

So I take a breath. Look beside me and see the “him” who is next to me, holding my hand with tears in his own eyes…surveying for himself what this mountain is all about. I look to my other side to see the faces of the two gifts of life and love given from above who trust me without fear. I look behind me at all those who push me on.  And then I Close my eyes and feel the HIM who is within me empowering my every step…… and I walk.

 

I mean… if in my surveying , my choices are….

 to turn around and go back to where I came from,

 stand still where I’m at OR

 walk up this mountain,

Every time I’m going to choose the mountain.  

For I know that within that journey, my perspective will shift.  Everything that I wanted IT to be will become everything that He has planned it to be. 

So here it is~

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

that were an offering far too small;

love so amazing, so divine,

demands my soul, my life, my all.