Expectation

The thing about EXPECTATION is that it is attempting to dictate a future that it has not created.
The flaw is in the creator of the expectation.

Brandon and I packed his car full to the brim the day after our wedding and I left my life as I knew it.  A life that wasn't necessarily BETTER than the one that I was about to embrace ......it was just simply, the one I had KNOWN.  Though I was scared, there wasn't a bone in my body that could have STAYED and not headed to Texas.  We were young, beautiful in each other's eyes, and full of expectation.

That expectation carried us for several years. And held us as well. Yep. It's a tricky thing. Expectation.  It holds you in this weird place.  A grey place. A place that removes the color and vibrancy of reality and exchanges it for a sub-reality while convincing you that it is reality.

Expectation can never be our reality because it is something we create. No matter how close the situation plays to the things we have dreamt of....it will never be an exact match.  We spend hours in our minds dreaming of the way a situation will play out, how a family member will respond differently this time, or the path to our next success. Those are wasted hours. And really.....who has hours to waste these days? Where is the cure?  How does this cycle break? Where is our freedom?

 "It was for freedom that Christ set you free."

Shouldn't five years of battling brain cancer with my husband entitle me to bitterness? To a "get out of jail free" card when I want to scream loudly that "this just isn't FAIR"?!  I guess. And I do have those moments. But when I stay there too long....bitterness becomes my friend and joy my enemy.

And that is not my reality.

This is the flaw. When I begin to play the tape in my mind that this five years has interrupted all that we had planned......  All the expectations we had for years five through ten of our marriage or Asher's first five years or Banner's first year.  Definitely.  If I looked through the lens of expectation I would have no choice but to choose bitterness.

So would Joseph (remember the 11th son of Jacob)?  His brothers tossed him away, sold him to a foreign land.  An event that took away years of his youth.  But Joseph said it best all those years later when redemption found it's way into his story and into his family....."What you intended to harm me, God intended for GOOD to bring about the salvation of all these lives."
He surely could have chosen the bitterness of failed expectation. Right?

But how the story would have shifted if he did.

Just as Joseph was not authoring his story neither am I.  No matter what I think I deserve or what you think I deserve....it will always be short within the bondage of expectation.

When we release ourselves from the bondage of expectation we position ourselves to receive what HE has prepared for us.  This is where I find strength. And joy. And perseverance.  I have no strength to fight this battle under the armor of expectation only within the shadow of His wing where comfort is mine and peace is my rest.

May we cast off expectation and embrace an anticipation of the work He promises to complete within us.

He is faithful.

When I say GO......

I always want to know the plan. I've always been a "planner".  As long as I know where I am headed no matter how difficult it might be, I can GO because I know how I am getting there.  Five years ago when we began down this difficult road the plans seemed to come and span a longer period of time. But lately the plans seem to be unfolding in mere steps and the steps may be only for this week or for this month and they can change at any minute.

So how does a planner handle a plan that doesn't seem very well planned?

It seems like the plan is looking more and more like GO!!!!.....now STOP!!!!....now TURN RIGHT!!!!.....now WAIT!!!!!!.........................................................................

It's a lot like teaching a toddler to handle the street, right MOMS?!!!  "STOP AT THE CURB......LOOK BOTH WAYS........HOLD MY HANND.......OK, LET'S GO!"

When I think about this I am forced to remember that this banter is for the GOOD of the toddler.  It's not to hide the plan from him or keep him from the excitement on the other side of the street. No at all. It's FOR HIS GOOD.  It's wrapped in safety, timing, and perfect love.

Our ear is getting tuned to His voice right now, more than it ever has before.  We can't see in this darkness but our hands are entangled with the ONE who is light.

Brandon finished 19 treatments of radiation and he has decided to be done there. (I will let him tell that story).  It became a moment where God was yelling "STOP".  So he did.  His body and mind and spirit were weary.  He needed rest and the "logical" step was to finish early. Though it seems logical..it doesn't make sense.

To the toddler who wants their ball that just rolled into the middle of the street, saying "NO. WAIT, STOP," doesn't make much sense either....... when all they want is their ball.

This time in our journey is weary.  It is draining in many ways. It does not make sense, perhaps because we are too focused on the "ball" or perhaps because we aren't meant to make sense out of something that is broken.  However, when we wake up each morning and take an inventory of the night....we are assured of this.....this road has already been traveled down by the ONE who died that we may live....without Him the weariness would never cease but IN HIM it simply fades away. Our burden becomes His. Each time we make this exchange---Hope becomes our resting place.  We set our face to the sun and fix our eyes on the Holy One.  When He says GO....we GO and when He says WAIT we WAIT and when He says STOP we STOP.  Something happens in this exchange that can only be experienced never accurately described through words.....and therefore can never be taken away from the person who experiences it.

You can't plan for this.  Even if I had all the knowledge of this circumstance....I could never accurately navigate this road.  So why try? For now, I will GO, WAIT, STOP, and GO....this is on repeat in my heart.  My plan won't work. But His..... is perfect.

He will never lead us astray. We are His. We know His voice.

When He says GO....we will follow Him....for He chose us before we chose Him.

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him..."
- 1 Timothy 1:12