Brandon's old.... big...old....blue truck had collided with a parked car. He stumbled out of his truck kind of shocked. As he walked up to me, I knew the confusion and fear through his blue eyes. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking so I asked. There was no explanation. That's what the officer on the scene said too. It was an accident. Pure and simple. It could have happened to anyone. Looking at their phone, switching the radio, reaching in the backseat to grab something. ....
For us though, it has become a crossroads.
Sitting in the doctor office yesterday, we could see the choice was clear. What if there had been someone in the car, etc, etc.... He passes with flying colors, all the neurological exams and no changes in the MRI..... but when put into real life....the risks are high.
So starting today I put on my chauffer hat. I know others will help and we won't be alone. I hope it doesn't last forever and the issues he is having get better, but if they don't.....how do I reconcile that? I'm 31 and even if I live only until I'm 61 that's 30 years of driving multiplied by 365 days....that's
11, 315 days and even if I only drive him somewhere 2 times a day....22,630. That is overwhelming.
More than I can handle or comprehend. More than I can bear. Maybe it seems like no big deal to you. But stop for a second.....think about how it changes A LOT!
What if I put scripture to the test, though?.....what if Jesus ACTUALLY, LITERALLY meant what He said.....
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
What if He has AUTHORITY in my life to CALL me to that because He ACTUALLY, LITERALLY did it first.......because that's what I believe.
I actually believe He is the Son of God. That He came to this earth to show us who God is....what His love is and the power that it holds. His greatest demonstration of that love was His final act of love....as He denied all His DEITY (not LOSING it....but DENYING), everything that He should have had and the life he should have lived He LAID down....picked up the cross.....carried it.....died on it.....buried in the ground.......so that the LOVE of the FATHER would raise Him up out of that death.....that His resurrection would be the sign to us....that because of His death....we live.
His greatest message to us is that when we deny the life we THINK and DREAM we should have ....and we LAY it down and pick up His life.....He RESURRECTS our life and gives to us more than we could dream or imagine.
So if I say I BELIEVE all of THAT.......and I don't understand ANY of THIS....then the choice is mine. Once again do I TRUST that He has done it. That it is finished in Him. That I will know Him when I follow Him through THIS. That He will produce in me a deeper capability to LOVE my husband more deeply as I offer to him my life......as I lay it down to serve him......as I drive him anywhere....as an act of the LOVE that lives in me. I should lay down my life for him.
I totally have the choice. I can sit in self-pity, asking a million times, WHY my husband can't do this or will never do that and mad because of all the other men, husbands and dads CAN do that.....(and I'm sure I will a million times)....but I will only taste the victory of overcoming JOY when I stop asking why and start saying THANK YOU.
Again and louder....THANK YOU LORD!
Thank you that I will know JOY through your love as it abounds in my heart to break the chains that can't be broken in the darkness of self-pity. Thank you that I am only able to do that because of what you did.
The life You gave, Your body was broken
Your love poured out, You bled and You died for me
There on that cross, You breathed Your last as you were crucified
You gave it all for me
Hallelujah, what a Savior
Hallelujah, what a friend
Hallelujah, King forever
We thank You for the cross
There in the ground, sealed in the darkness
Lifeless laid, the frame of the Father's son
In agony, He watched His only Son be sacrificed
He gave it all for me
But on that day, what seemed as the darkest hour
A violent hope, broke through and shook the ground
And as You rose, The Light of all the world was magnified
And You rose in victory
Hallelujah, it is finished
Hallelujah, it is done
Hallelujah King forever
We thank you for the cross
And though our sins are scarlet
You have made us white as snow
-For the Cross, Bethel
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