Wrestling

There is this space in between my questions and doubts and the ways and the whens of God answering those that I have felt the reality of my life most clearly.  I feel like sometimes....no a lot of times....when we tell people the story of our last five years they start looking at us differently.  Not the different of like, horns coming out of our heads, but the different that makes people feel there is a separation between what we have been able to endure and what they feel they could never walk through.

Jacob wrestled with a man who was God.  And in that story the "man" came to a point in the match where he realized he could not overcome Jacob so he injured him, but still Jacob did not let go.  And he was adamant and demanding with God....

"I won't let go unless you bless me."

Asher does this to me a lot at night. He squeezes my neck and with all his might he makes me believe between his clenched teeth that he can't let go. He can't be alone. I HAVE to stay. I think in his spirit he is feeling much like Jacob in those moments....

"I won't let go unless you bless me."  

And of course, with Asher I'm much bigger than he is and stronger, but in his grip is not just his strength but it's his will which holds everything he believes. I see this as more of the picture of Jacob and God.  It's not that Jacob was stronger than God or any other man, necessarily.  It's that God knew Jacob's will, he knew his desires, and they mattered to God. God could have body-slammed Jacob and pried his fingers off his neck one by one....but he didn't.

Instead God blessed him, changed his identity and spared his life.

I receive this sentiment a lot..."I just don't know how you are handling all this so well."  And it is usually said as a statement not a question.  If I were to answer that "non-question", I guess I would say this...

I am wrestling with God. Asking Him the why questions. Speaking His word back to Him. Reminding Him that we delight in Him, love Him, want to honor Him. And like, Jacob and Asher, I just refuse to let go of Him....because the greatest truth I know is that He is a "good...good...Father" who blesses His children.  He reminds me that SHE is a sign of His blessing on our family. Something we didn't deserve....but something He gave.

So, when you are chosen to endure something that appears it will swallow you by its weight.....be like Jacob.

Wrestle and don't let go of Him.