Expectation

The thing about EXPECTATION is that it is attempting to dictate a future that it has not created.
The flaw is in the creator of the expectation.

Brandon and I packed his car full to the brim the day after our wedding and I left my life as I knew it.  A life that wasn't necessarily BETTER than the one that I was about to embrace ......it was just simply, the one I had KNOWN.  Though I was scared, there wasn't a bone in my body that could have STAYED and not headed to Texas.  We were young, beautiful in each other's eyes, and full of expectation.

That expectation carried us for several years. And held us as well. Yep. It's a tricky thing. Expectation.  It holds you in this weird place.  A grey place. A place that removes the color and vibrancy of reality and exchanges it for a sub-reality while convincing you that it is reality.

Expectation can never be our reality because it is something we create. No matter how close the situation plays to the things we have dreamt of....it will never be an exact match.  We spend hours in our minds dreaming of the way a situation will play out, how a family member will respond differently this time, or the path to our next success. Those are wasted hours. And really.....who has hours to waste these days? Where is the cure?  How does this cycle break? Where is our freedom?

 "It was for freedom that Christ set you free."

Shouldn't five years of battling brain cancer with my husband entitle me to bitterness? To a "get out of jail free" card when I want to scream loudly that "this just isn't FAIR"?!  I guess. And I do have those moments. But when I stay there too long....bitterness becomes my friend and joy my enemy.

And that is not my reality.

This is the flaw. When I begin to play the tape in my mind that this five years has interrupted all that we had planned......  All the expectations we had for years five through ten of our marriage or Asher's first five years or Banner's first year.  Definitely.  If I looked through the lens of expectation I would have no choice but to choose bitterness.

So would Joseph (remember the 11th son of Jacob)?  His brothers tossed him away, sold him to a foreign land.  An event that took away years of his youth.  But Joseph said it best all those years later when redemption found it's way into his story and into his family....."What you intended to harm me, God intended for GOOD to bring about the salvation of all these lives."
He surely could have chosen the bitterness of failed expectation. Right?

But how the story would have shifted if he did.

Just as Joseph was not authoring his story neither am I.  No matter what I think I deserve or what you think I deserve....it will always be short within the bondage of expectation.

When we release ourselves from the bondage of expectation we position ourselves to receive what HE has prepared for us.  This is where I find strength. And joy. And perseverance.  I have no strength to fight this battle under the armor of expectation only within the shadow of His wing where comfort is mine and peace is my rest.

May we cast off expectation and embrace an anticipation of the work He promises to complete within us.

He is faithful.

When I say GO......

I always want to know the plan. I've always been a "planner".  As long as I know where I am headed no matter how difficult it might be, I can GO because I know how I am getting there.  Five years ago when we began down this difficult road the plans seemed to come and span a longer period of time. But lately the plans seem to be unfolding in mere steps and the steps may be only for this week or for this month and they can change at any minute.

So how does a planner handle a plan that doesn't seem very well planned?

It seems like the plan is looking more and more like GO!!!!.....now STOP!!!!....now TURN RIGHT!!!!.....now WAIT!!!!!!.........................................................................

It's a lot like teaching a toddler to handle the street, right MOMS?!!!  "STOP AT THE CURB......LOOK BOTH WAYS........HOLD MY HANND.......OK, LET'S GO!"

When I think about this I am forced to remember that this banter is for the GOOD of the toddler.  It's not to hide the plan from him or keep him from the excitement on the other side of the street. No at all. It's FOR HIS GOOD.  It's wrapped in safety, timing, and perfect love.

Our ear is getting tuned to His voice right now, more than it ever has before.  We can't see in this darkness but our hands are entangled with the ONE who is light.

Brandon finished 19 treatments of radiation and he has decided to be done there. (I will let him tell that story).  It became a moment where God was yelling "STOP".  So he did.  His body and mind and spirit were weary.  He needed rest and the "logical" step was to finish early. Though it seems logical..it doesn't make sense.

To the toddler who wants their ball that just rolled into the middle of the street, saying "NO. WAIT, STOP," doesn't make much sense either....... when all they want is their ball.

This time in our journey is weary.  It is draining in many ways. It does not make sense, perhaps because we are too focused on the "ball" or perhaps because we aren't meant to make sense out of something that is broken.  However, when we wake up each morning and take an inventory of the night....we are assured of this.....this road has already been traveled down by the ONE who died that we may live....without Him the weariness would never cease but IN HIM it simply fades away. Our burden becomes His. Each time we make this exchange---Hope becomes our resting place.  We set our face to the sun and fix our eyes on the Holy One.  When He says GO....we GO and when He says WAIT we WAIT and when He says STOP we STOP.  Something happens in this exchange that can only be experienced never accurately described through words.....and therefore can never be taken away from the person who experiences it.

You can't plan for this.  Even if I had all the knowledge of this circumstance....I could never accurately navigate this road.  So why try? For now, I will GO, WAIT, STOP, and GO....this is on repeat in my heart.  My plan won't work. But His..... is perfect.

He will never lead us astray. We are His. We know His voice.

When He says GO....we will follow Him....for He chose us before we chose Him.

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him..."
- 1 Timothy 1:12

Wrestling

There is this space in between my questions and doubts and the ways and the whens of God answering those that I have felt the reality of my life most clearly.  I feel like sometimes....no a lot of times....when we tell people the story of our last five years they start looking at us differently.  Not the different of like, horns coming out of our heads, but the different that makes people feel there is a separation between what we have been able to endure and what they feel they could never walk through.

Jacob wrestled with a man who was God.  And in that story the "man" came to a point in the match where he realized he could not overcome Jacob so he injured him, but still Jacob did not let go.  And he was adamant and demanding with God....

"I won't let go unless you bless me."

Asher does this to me a lot at night. He squeezes my neck and with all his might he makes me believe between his clenched teeth that he can't let go. He can't be alone. I HAVE to stay. I think in his spirit he is feeling much like Jacob in those moments....

"I won't let go unless you bless me."  

And of course, with Asher I'm much bigger than he is and stronger, but in his grip is not just his strength but it's his will which holds everything he believes. I see this as more of the picture of Jacob and God.  It's not that Jacob was stronger than God or any other man, necessarily.  It's that God knew Jacob's will, he knew his desires, and they mattered to God. God could have body-slammed Jacob and pried his fingers off his neck one by one....but he didn't.

Instead God blessed him, changed his identity and spared his life.

I receive this sentiment a lot..."I just don't know how you are handling all this so well."  And it is usually said as a statement not a question.  If I were to answer that "non-question", I guess I would say this...

I am wrestling with God. Asking Him the why questions. Speaking His word back to Him. Reminding Him that we delight in Him, love Him, want to honor Him. And like, Jacob and Asher, I just refuse to let go of Him....because the greatest truth I know is that He is a "good...good...Father" who blesses His children.  He reminds me that SHE is a sign of His blessing on our family. Something we didn't deserve....but something He gave.

So, when you are chosen to endure something that appears it will swallow you by its weight.....be like Jacob.

Wrestle and don't let go of Him.

Stand

We  just finished a 10 Day Daniel Fast which comes through The Maker's Diet Revolution. As we reflect on the last 10 days, Brandon and I keep asking each other.....how in the world did that just happen? He's a recovering sugar addict and I am the hangriest mama you've ever seen.

Monday, February 23rd we woke up and we walked right into something that we were not prepared to enter. I went to bed Sunday night with the passing comment, "Maybe we should fast and pray" and we woke up unified with clear direction.  What we did know is that we felt lost and overwhelmed and unable to make a decision about where to walk without fear and doubt ruling in our hearts.

 We needed peace.

 Clarity.
 Assurance.
 Hope.

And that is what found us this week.

In 2012, we attended an event for Legacy Brain Foundation and the keynote speaker was a 20 year survivor of glioblastoma (grade IV version of Brandon's original tumor).  His takeaway was something that we have held onto....he believed that he had been able to fight the disease for so long because his approach was what he termed the "cocktail approach".  This simply means that radiation and chemotherapy are not the only ways that he fought.  He tried various diets, supplements, doctors, research, etc and by combining different treatments he was able to stand in 2012 and give hope to a room full of fellow brain cancer fighters.

The cocktail approach.

This was all we knew.  That this next season for Brandon would consist of many different elements. But in the midst of figuring out WHAT goes into the cocktail is where people can find their heads spinning.  We did not want to decide. We wanted DESPERATELY for God to reveal each step to us.  He is faithful.

For the next six weeks Brandon's cocktail will include:
1 Radiation and Temodar (same chemotherapy that he has been on)
2, Holistic Support, Dr. Stephen Duncan, Plano Texas
3, Work Full-Time from home/Flex Schedule (8 weeks) (Dr. Pepper Snapple might be one of THE best companies EVER!!!!!)
4. Elements of The Maker's Diet and Ketogenic Diet with intermittent fasting
5, Personal Trainer 1x/week and workout 3-4x/week
6. Prayer

In the first few days of the fast, we were both eager that perhaps this would be the season that God would release Brandon from radiation and chemotherapy.  This was our biggest area of tension. We wanted so badly to walk away and watch God move this mountain.  However, on DAY 7 Brandon was researching Louis Pasteur and Antoine Bechamp and in the midst of his reading it became clear as day to him.  "It's got to be BOTH. We've got to eradicate existing disease and build up the inner terrain of my body AT THE SAME TIME."

His entire being shifted in that moment. And to walk forward with clarity, peace and assuredness should seem simple. But fear is always lurking.

While Brandon was reading about Louis and Antoine, I was reading about King Jehoshaphat. (Yeah, y'all thought we were going to the lake for a nice relaxing marriage getaway, huh? It was FAR from from the ideal but exactly what we needed!)

Jehoshaphat had found himself on the brink of his neighbors waging major war against his nation of Judah (Israel). Upon hearing this news he IMMEDIATELY "resolved to inquire the Lord" and "proclaimed a fast" and the nation gathers.

Jehoshaphat says to the Lord:
"Lord, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. 7 Our God, did you not drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend?8 They have lived in it and have built in it a sanctuary for your Name, saying, 9‘If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will  stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and,,,

....will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.’

Then all the people of Judah STAND....waiting upon the Lord.

And He answers, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s."

Then their God gives them marching orders:

1. You will not have to fight this battle

2. Take your positions

3. STAND FIRM

4. SEE the deliverance the Lord will give you

5. Do not be afraid

6. Do not be discouraged

7. Go out to face THEM

And then His promise....."The Lord will be with you"

So if you are reading this tonight, STAND WITH US in eager anticipation that the Lord will deliver us from this battle. It is HIS. We are standing firm on His word. He is our hope. He is our deliverer. He is with us.

You can journey with us, here ,on this blog.  I have so many stories from the last 10 days and I can't wait to share them.  We know you will want to know how exactly to pray and what our needs are so stay with us on this blog.  Thank you all so much for your love and prayers. God answered us in mighty ways over the last 10 days. He showed us that it is not Him who is hiding his plans from us, but rather we have hidden ourselves from him......

In My Surveying

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” –Hebrews 12:2-3

 

Cleaning out the backyard last week I had such a perspective shift.  I’ve been so annoyed by the previous owners of this house.  This vast space in the back of the house, which clearly at some point was a beautiful oasis.  But now, interesting trees which once lined the perimeter and blocked the beating Texas sun are overgrown. In the words of my father-in-law ….they are ”gnarly”. 

Dirt stands in the place of lush grass.  Trees that should be thriving are dead. And the bless-ed mosquitoes….oh, the mosquitoes!

For the past few months I have peered out my living room window….just disgusted not even wanting to go out there.  Keep the trees or get rid of them? Plant the grass now or wait?  Redo the flower beds or rip them all out? Geez….I can’t seem to stop those trivial thoughts. And if I hear Asher say one more time, “It’s dirty out there!”….I might lose it!

Anyway my point is that I don’t want to take a step into that space simply because it isn’t ALL THAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.

See for the last year, we lived in a townhouse and no lie the backyard was all but 10x10 and all I wanted was a big backyard. In those moments, it didn’t matter what the next yard looked like….I just wanted trees and a space for my kids to play.

Well, that is what my backyard is….

There are trees.

It is a space for my kids to play. 

Perspective. 

Last week I took a step into that space that has disgusted me for several months.  I wanted to close my eyes and run back inside but with each step it began to look different.  The view from the living room did not have a monopoly on this backyard.

Perspective.

 And for the first time, thankfulness welled up inside me.  It was all I had asked for, I just couldn’t see it because I was too stubborn to change the view. NOW, I could begin to see all that it could and all that it will be…..one day.

Now THIS mountain stands tall in front of me. 

Treacherous yet beautiful.

Daunting yet inspiring.

 

Remembering the old hymn, “When I SURVEY the Wondrous Cross”…..

Did ever such love and sorrow meet?

Or thorns compose, so rich a crown?

Survey the cross? Looking carefully and thoroughly as to appraise or perhaps it is a general view, examination, or description…..

Ever heard of a heliotrope? The heliotrope is an instrument (no longer used) that uses a mirror to reflect sunlight over great distances to mark the positions of participants in a land survey.

Taken from the Greek: Helio meaning “sun” and Trope meaning “turn”.

According to Wikipedia, it is a fitting name for an instrument which can be turned to reflect the sun toward a given point.

 

It is a fitting name for an instrument which can be turned to reflect the sun toward a given point.

 

I’m standing at the foot of THIS mountain, THIS brain cancer, THIS year of chemotherapy and all that means for our family and I’m in survey mode.  My eyes are widened with FEAR and yet my heart is quickened by HOPE.  Am I an instrument which can be turned to reflect the sun toward a given point?

Can my perspective be shifted with just one step? If I turn my gaze could the reality that my life could be met with such love and sorrow…at the same time….. become my freedom?  Freedom that allows me to not just begrudgingly hike up the mountain alone but to be carried by grace.

So I take a breath. Look beside me and see the “him” who is next to me, holding my hand with tears in his own eyes…surveying for himself what this mountain is all about. I look to my other side to see the faces of the two gifts of life and love given from above who trust me without fear. I look behind me at all those who push me on.  And then I Close my eyes and feel the HIM who is within me empowering my every step…… and I walk.

 

I mean… if in my surveying , my choices are….

 to turn around and go back to where I came from,

 stand still where I’m at OR

 walk up this mountain,

Every time I’m going to choose the mountain.  

For I know that within that journey, my perspective will shift.  Everything that I wanted IT to be will become everything that He has planned it to be. 

So here it is~

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

that were an offering far too small;

love so amazing, so divine,

demands my soul, my life, my all.

Reveal IT

I was sitting with some friends on Thursday night and I made the comment, “God will reveal it….”. I paused for a minute while my friend, Gwen, said something along the lines of, “That’s kind of your word.”  

Reveal.

Since then I’ve been thinking about the truth of her statement.  Why is that word such a familiar and comforting word in my vocabulary? I’m not a very PATIENT person.  Brandon chuckled at me one day in the mall as I struggled to understand the details of the mall directory.  I guess I’d rather just see and experience the big picture rather than struggle to take the time to sort out the details, even if that means more walking or a wrong turn here and there.

 

Ironically, one of my favorite scriptures has become Isaiah 40:30-31:

“Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who WAIT for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.”

There’s that word.  Wait. Or Trust. Or Hope. Those who WAIT (HOPE, TRUST) will gain new strength…..

So doesn’t it beg the question, “What am I WAITING, HOPING, TRUSTING for the Lord to DO?”

PERSEVERANCE is actually defined in the Greek language as “patient enduring”….”waiting”. We quit too soon. Don’t we?  A relationship gets tough, we find a new one.  A friend says something in truth, we pull back.  A leader rubs us the wrong way, we look for a new leader. Our life gets tough….we search for an escape.  We quit too soon.

Being in labor is all about waiting.  Waiting for that moment when the much anticipated is finally REVEALED. I love thinking about my newborn before she was NEW BORN.  I mean, she literally had to WAIT for each contraction, she couldn’t do ANYTHING except WAIT for IT. And with each contraction the tension and excitement (and PAIN) mounted.  All she could do was wait. I can picture the God I know and love, guiding her every move, in eager anticipation to REVEAL to Brandon and I this perfect gift and to REVEAL to Banner her first breath. “Keep going”, He whispers to both of us…quietly.

As I picture His JOY in the revealing of her new life…. I can also imagine that in every circumstance in our lives He is smiling behind His providence in the same eager anticipation to REVEAL to us what is next.  Sometimes IT is painful.  Sometimes IT is pleasurable.  But whatever the IT is….I can assure you IT ends in our JOY and HIS GLORY.  It has to THIS is His nature.

Revelation.

Our nature is to quit too soon. But scripture is clear…..THOSE WHO WAIT UPON THE LORD will gain new strength, THEY will mount up with wings like eagles, THEY will run and not get tired, THEY will walk and not become weary.”

And when they keep going IT will be REVEALED.

We Thank You.....

I looked in my rearview mirror on Saturday afternoon and the picture I saw should have produced a gripping fear in me, but instead I was overcome by deep love.

Brandon's old.... big...old....blue truck had collided with a parked car.  He stumbled out of his truck kind of shocked.  As he walked up to me, I knew the confusion and fear through his blue eyes.  I couldn't imagine what he was thinking so I asked.  There was no explanation.  That's what the officer on the scene said too.  It was an accident.  Pure and simple.  It could have happened to anyone.  Looking at their phone, switching the radio, reaching in the backseat to grab something.  ....

For us though, it has become a crossroads.

 Sitting in the doctor office yesterday, we could see the choice was clear.  What if there had been someone in the car, etc, etc....  He passes with flying colors, all the neurological exams and no changes in the MRI..... but when put into real life....the risks are high.

So starting today I put on my chauffer hat.  I know others will help and we won't be alone.  I hope it doesn't last forever and the issues he is having get better, but if they don't.....how do I reconcile that?  I'm 31 and even if I live only until I'm 61 that's 30 years of driving multiplied by 365 days....that's
 11, 315 days and even if I only drive him somewhere 2 times a day....22,630.  That is overwhelming.

More than I can handle or comprehend.  More than I can bear.  Maybe it seems like no big deal to you.  But stop for a second.....think about how it changes A LOT!

What if I put scripture to the test, though?.....what if Jesus ACTUALLY, LITERALLY meant what He said.....
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

What if He has AUTHORITY in my life to CALL me to that because He ACTUALLY, LITERALLY did it first.......because that's what I believe.

I actually believe He is the Son of God.  That He came to this earth to show us who God is....what His love is and the power that it holds.  His greatest demonstration of that love was His final act of love....as He denied all His DEITY (not LOSING it....but DENYING), everything that He should have had and the life he should have lived He LAID down....picked up the cross.....carried it.....died on it.....buried in the ground.......so that the LOVE of the FATHER would raise Him up out of that death.....that His resurrection would be the sign to us....that because of His death....we live.

His greatest message to us is that when we deny the life we THINK and DREAM we should have ....and we LAY it down and pick up His life.....He RESURRECTS our life and gives to us more than we could dream or imagine.

So if I say I BELIEVE all of THAT.......and I don't understand ANY of THIS....then the choice is mine.  Once again do I TRUST that He has done it.  That it is finished in Him.  That I will know Him when I follow Him through THIS.  That He will produce in me a deeper capability to LOVE my husband more deeply as I offer to him my life......as I lay it down to serve him......as I drive him anywhere....as an act of the LOVE that lives in me.  I should lay down my life for him.

I totally have the choice.  I can sit in self-pity, asking a million times, WHY my husband can't do this or will never do that and mad because of all the other men, husbands and dads CAN do that.....(and I'm sure I will a million times)....but I will only taste the victory of overcoming JOY when I stop asking why and start saying THANK YOU.

Again and louder....THANK YOU LORD!

 Thank you that I will know JOY through your love as it abounds in my heart to break the chains that can't be broken in the darkness of self-pity.  Thank you that I am only able to do that because of what you did.

It is finished. It is done.

The life You gave, Your body was broken
Your love poured out, You bled and You died for me
There on that cross, You breathed Your last as you were crucified
You gave it all for me
Hallelujah, what a Savior
Hallelujah, what a friend
Hallelujah, King forever
We thank You for the cross
There in the ground, sealed in the darkness
Lifeless laid, the frame of the Father's son
In agony, He watched His only Son be sacrificed
He gave it all for me

But on that day, what seemed as the darkest hour
A violent hope, broke through and shook the ground
And as You rose, The Light of all the world was magnified
And You rose in victory
Hallelujah, it is finished
Hallelujah, it is done
Hallelujah King forever
We thank you for the cross


And though our sins are scarlet
You have made us white as snow
-For the Cross, Bethel