The Search is On

I turned 30 this past July.  I remember taking this picture thinking how blessed I was to be sitting next to my husband, encircling my son, and surrounded by some of my closest friends.

Also, though in the back of my mind I began to let myself become excited about the promise of a new baby.  Perhaps a new addition to our family the same time next year even.....

My confession is that when we sat in the Oncologists office almost a month ago..that was one of the first things that ran through my heart and mind....

Put it on the alter....don't hold onto that expectation....lay it in MY hands was His whispered response.

And so I did....but every now and then it will creep back into my mind.  A thought that "Surely, I won't be a mother to only one child?".....A deceiving thought.... rooted in a seed of doubt.  What if I am a mother to only one child....isn't that enough?  Aren't there some women who will never experience motherhood....isn't that MORE than enough if that is what HE has ordained...am I not well content...right where I am? ...

 ....Trusting that He has ordained my steps and that each path leads to more of His life....

It truly is OK that those thoughts come....I know it's part of healing, part of deeper surrender, and part of accepting all that He has planned.  The key is allowing His Spirit to wash over those thoughts with TRUTH instead of allowing them to stay within the "still to be renewed" innermost parts of me.

"The spirit of man is the lamp of the LORD, Searching all the innermost parts of his being." 

Proverbs 20:27

May His light move within... searching my innermost desires and aligning my will with what He has ordained so that I may MOVE in His Spirit....well content with each FORWARD step.